I like the idea of Scottish independence. I like it a lot. If the Highlands and Islands can go it alone why not Cheshire East?

Why do we need the Bullingdon Bunch dictating to us when we could have err…yes, we’ll come back to that later. The point is we can plan our own destiny.

If some megalomaniac Prime Minister wants to drag us into an illegal war he can fight it on his own.

So…are you ready?

Declaration of Independence: From henceforth all territories previously known as Cheshire East will be deemed ‘Tescoshire’ and shall comprise of three provinces: Orange County (formerly Wilmslow and Alderley Edge); Chufferville (Crewe); and Poundland (Congleton, Macclesfield, and surrounding areas). Sandbach and Knutsford will be donated to charity.

To manage the changeover the interim political leader of the new State of Tescoshire shall be Keith Harris with Orville acting as chief executive officer who on hearing of the appointment said: "I used to fly right up to the sky but I can’t."

In an attempt to boost police effectiveness the new chief constable will be Ronald McDonald who has arranged the delivery of Happy Meals to any police station remaining open during bank holidays. They’re loving it.

While taxation, parking fines and football will form a major source of income, by far the most important element of the State’s revenue stream will come from its vast stocks of Fake Bake currently piped ashore from tanning rigs in Alderley.

The new coat of arms will be a photo of David Dickinson and the State flag shall be a tango-coloured cross on an orange background (with no white bits).

With the Euro and Giro in freefall the currency of the new State shall be the Club Card. When informed of a cut to his enormous allocation of points by the new finance director, Orville replied: "I hate that monkey."

Under new planning rules every family shall have access to their own store and garages and driveways across the land are currently being excavated to accommodate a Tesco Express within every home.

All dining shall be al fresco. Anyone wishing to eat indoors must pay a council tax as attempts by the previous authority to licence outdoor dining played havoc with the weather.

After a full 15-minute public consultation held at midnight on the canal towpath, it is decreed a vast new recycling plant shall be built stretching from Lyme Green to Lindow Common for the reclamation of bank bonuses which will work at full capacity from its inception.

Town centre management will be on a pay-as-you-go basis and any community wishing to avail themselves of the service can do so by accruing the requisite number of Club Card points (you may want help with bagging).

There will be a new town centre plan every five years although none will be built. This will create a more vibrant market without the disruption that comes with redevelopment.

Rumours will be rife about which retailers will be involved with the town centres that won’t be built.

A spokesman for Debenhams insists that any rejected plans include them. Odeon Cinemas are adamant they will build a papier-mâché multiplex for display purposes.

Treacle Market and the Artisan Market will come together as one huge retail centrepiece and will be known as Arty-Tarty Market where stalls will be rented out by the council, convinced it was their idea.

Great administrative savings will be made by more imaginative employment of the internet. Wheelie bins will be eliminated by use of ‘trash’ on your server, meals on wheels replaced by the ‘menu’ button and home care by a smiley face.

The new authority will encourage communities to ‘adopt a road’ thus eliminating the need for a highways department.

Individuals may ‘adopt’ a whole road or part thereof. Those of a sedentary nature (lazy) may prefer a cul-de-sac while others can choose a bypass; it’s all down to personal choice.

Obviously, you will need a JCB and a steamroller but very little else other than a crane for street lights and bridges.

Some families may choose to pool their resources while others prefer to own their diggers, cranes and rollers…the choice is yours.

Although the new State will be a republic, the Queen will be welcome to visit (other members of the Royal Family may also come along on a B.O.G.O.F. basis provided they have a Club Card).

The existing crematorium will become a leisure complex as the new Lyme Green recycling plant will provide a more eco-friendly alternative to old outdated methods of disposal, although some families may wish to use eBay.

The Founding Fathers (Keith and Orville) are adamant the overriding principle of the new State of Tescoshire shall be free choice for all e.g. not every boss watching his business burn to the ground wants a fire engine.

Why pay for a service you don’t use? It makes no sense.

From henceforth you will only pay for the services you need and we won’t have any.

Now raise the flag, place your right hand on heart (your own heart) and say after me: "The future’s bright: the future’s orange."