HOW much is a top class surgeon worth? What’s the going rate for saving hundreds of lives?

Is a bomb disposal expert worth more or less than a doctor, and what about those brave souls working undercover to save us from terrorist attacks? I doubt they have a long and healthy life, so what's their compensation rate?

Now, consider those who possess the ability to kick a football farther, faster and more accurately than anyone else? Generally speaking they don’t save too many lives and tend to fall down for no apparent reason. What do we pay these talented individuals? If Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer is anything to go by, it’s about £80million.

I wonder how they worked that out? If, as I’m lead to believe, it’s supply and demand, the going rate for a doctor in a disaster must be in the billions. How much is a lifeboat crew worth when a ship capsizes?

Everyone has to make a living, and if you can dribble a ball better than anyone on the planet then you deserve a decent wage, but come on. Eighty million … it’s a joke right?

Fracture the Little Piggy going to market and it’s wee…wee…wee all the way home.

Look, I really admire Ronaldo, I’d pay to see him any day, but not when I’m clinging to a life raft in the North Sea, and should I be in urgent need of a heart transplant, bending one in from 40 yards isn’t going to do it.

The views on this page are Vic Barlow's and not necessarily those of the Express