As the only UK columnist failing to report on the world’s most momentous story I aim to correct that right now. I refer not to the ongoing war in Afghanistan, the demolition of Libya, the death of Osama bin Laden or the imminent collapse of the Euro.
I stand accused of ignoring an issue of the utmost importance to the English-speaking world. So vital that failure to report would be an abdication of duty on a monumental scale.
I refer, of course, to the reunion of Cheryl and Trashley on whom the future of the universe must surely rest. Since their split the Euro has all but collapsed. President Sarkozy must rue the day Trashley sent intimate photos of his body parts to a bunch of orange slappers destabilising the world banking system.
Who could have predicted Cheryl’s failure to make it on US X Factor would have had such a profound effect on Egypt, Syria, Tunisia and Libya. When she mimed her intention to ‘fight, fight, fight for this love’ she didn’t expect half the Arab world to join in. Hers wasn’t much of a fight either seeing as she dumped Trashley as soon as her record reached number 1.
National newspapers have found it impossible to function while this marriage hangs in the balance.
If only Trashley could stop texting, if only Cheryl could sing. On such ‘ifs’ the future of the civilised now depends. If only Simon Cowell would have acted as translator for ‘wor Cheryl’ in America. Leik any lass away from hyem she needed support. Aahm sure there’s playces in America that dinna talk any better than wor Cheryl.
If Trashley can keep his trousers on long enough to propose maybe (just maybe) there will be a reunion. Gadaffi will stand down, peace will come to Afghanistan, Greece will flourish, Robbie will stop swearing and the Coles will no longer dominate the news.
Oh what a glorious day that would be.
