How’s your Christmas holiday going? Did you survive the relatives? Where are you up to with the turkey? We’re doing sandwiches, heading towards soup. If you are having a night in with friends and neighbours try this little quiz. It’ll sort the cats from the kittens...

1) There is a daytime raid on your local jewellers. The manager calls for urgent assistance. Who arrives first?

  • a) Wilmslow Police
  • b) Macclesfield Police
  • c) The Bengal Lancers

2) A suspicious character is arrested on Mill Street. What does he have hidden down his left trouser leg?

  • a) A knife
  • b) A gun
  • c) A leg of lamb

3) What is Hoopers?

  • a) A bronchial ailment
  • b) A swan
  • c) A department store

4) Cheshire East want to spend £374m on a giant recycling plant. Their current recycling arrangements cost £4m a year. How long will it take for this plant to pay for itself?

  • a) Several decades
  • b) Probably never
  • c) It doesn’t matter, we’ll all be dead before then

5) What did Macclesfield magistrates consider a suitable penalty for a speeding, uninsured and disqualified driver?

  • a) Two years in jail
  • c) Two hundred hours community service
  • d) Eight points on the driving licence he didn’t have

6) What does Alderley call a narrow single lane?

  • a) A towpath
  • b) A bridle way
  • c) A by-pass

7) What’s the difference between a WAG and an orange?

  • a)Oranges don’t glow in the dark
  • b)You can hold an interesting conversation with an orange
  • c)WAGS have thicker skin

8) If all the kebabs bought in Macclesfield on Saturday night were laid end-to-end the line would stretch to where?

  • a) Lower Peover
  • b) Bollington
  • c) Pete’s Chippy

9) Sir Alex Ferguson has promised to do for Wayne Rooney:

  • a) What Sir Matt did for Bobby Charlton
  • b) What Tommy Docherty did for George Best
  • c) What David Haye did for Audley Harrison

10) Teak, Oak and Mahogany are all what?

  • a) Babies’ names
  • b) Types of wood
  • c) Shades of Wilmslow women

11) The most asked question in Cheshire East is:

  • a) Who shot JR?
  • b) Where’s the Wizard?
  • c) What's that on White Nancy?

12) Alderley residents waited 90 years for what?

  • a) A Premiership footballer to pass the 11-Plus
  • b) A policeman
  • c) A by-pass

13) What’s the best place in Macclesfield to go ice skating?

  • a) On a pond
  • b) On a reservoir
  • c) On a graveyard

14) What do you close in a bus station?

  • a) A door
  • b) A window
  • c) The information desk

15. Where are we now advised to learn about bus timetables in Macclesfield?

  • a) From bus conductors
  • b) From bus drivers
  • c) From wall posters

16) When MPs use the phrase: "We are all in this together?" what does it mean?

  • a) Some people may suffer
  • b) We are all going to suffer
  • c) You’re going to suffer

17) According to the Beatles, there were ‘a thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.’ How many holes are there at any one time in Cheshire’s roads?

  • a) Hundreds
  • b) Councillors are looking into it
  • c) Impossible to count them due to road works

18) They say blood is thicker than water and …

  • a) It doesn’t pay to work with relatives
  • b) They should never mix
  • c) WAGS are thicker than both

19) What’s the first question asked in a Macclesfield pub quiz?

  • a) Is there an away leg on a cat?
  • b) What do you do with a kumquat?
  • c) Who are you staring at, pal?

20) Ten out of eight councillors can’t…

  • a) Listen
  • b) Agree
  • c) Do fractions

HOW DID YOU SCORE?

Give yourself 1 point for every A answer, 2 points for every B, and 3 points for every C:

  • 0-20 (Stray Cat) - God knows where you live, but it’s not round here.
  • 21-40 (House Cat) - You need to get out more.
  • 41-50 (Alley Cat) - Not much escapes your claws.
  • 51-60 (Top Cat) - Congratulations, you are one of Cheshire’s Top Cats.