Have you been to the dentist recently? My practice (I hate that word, if there is one thing I don’t want it’s a trainee dentist) used to be a fairly rudimentary operation.
Sit in the waiting room, read Women’s Realm until called, lay in the chair, mouth open, eyes closed and pray.
I understood where I was with that regime, there was no pretence, I knew the score. Big needle, lots of drilling and out you go with a face like half a melon. Bowl of soup for lunch and spoon it down your ear. That’s the way it went but not any more.
I now have a hi-tech, laser-beaming orthodontist with a surgery resembling the deck of the Starship Enterprise.
So, imagine my surprise when I sat in my dentist’s chair recently to find Jeremy Kyle leering back at me from a flat screen TV suspended above my head.
"Open wide Mr Barlow."
(And when did you suspect Leroy of sleeping with your sister?)
"Yes, I see – looks like you’ve lost a filling."
"Aaaaaaaaaa." (When you saw his hair all over her pillow.)
"Can you feel this?"
"Aaaaaaaaaa." (And how long had he been sleeping with her?)
"Try to keep still."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaye." (And where were you when this was going on?)
"Not long now."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa." (In the same bed!)
"This might be a little sensitive."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaa." (And you didn’t notice your husband on the opposite side embracing your sister?)
"Aaaaaaaaa." (Leroy is not your husband. Then who is he?)
"One tiny second more."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaay." (Your dog!)
There’s a lot to be said for Women’s Realm and peeling wallpaper.