ALL'S well that ends well for one Shakespearean actor who won't give a hoot when he makes his debut in an outdoor performance.

It was feared that Plop the barn owl could become fast food for a Gawsworth gannet when he flutters into the limelight later this month.

But the flap is now off because he is being closely guarded by his favourite feathered friend... minder Jasmine a peregrine falcon.

Plop's fly-on part in Wilmslow's Green Room's five-day staging of Much Ado About Nothing in the picturesque setting of Gawsworth Hall prompted concern by directors who feared he may become a sitting duck for the local birds of prey.

But it will in fact be something of A Midsummer Night's Dream for the five-year-old feathered thespian after his burly beady-eyed bodyguard patrols the skies before he delivers his opening screech.

And hopefully it won't be Love's Labours Lost after Plop returns to the wings unscathed.

"Plop has an important fly-on part during the play and to make sure there are no impromptu interruptions the performance will be overlooked by his minder, a peregrine falcon, who will warn off locals beforehand," said trainer Graham Blessant.

"There is no guarantee that Plop will perform as directed during the play," he added.

"Like many stars, his behaviour isn't always predictable, so we will have to allow a certain of artistic licence."

The theatre group will be performing the Shakespeare comedy from Tuesday, June 25 until Saturday, June 29 and tickets are available from Gawsworth Box Office on 01260 223456.

As for Jasmine's future in showbiz? She could well land a part in She Swoops to Conquer or Where Eagles Dare.

...and the pussycat

THE claws were out the night two rivals had a catfight over a naked man.

Journalist Alan Hart had been slumbering peacefully in the buff in his bed when he was passionately awoken by a lingering kiss.

But his uninvited sleeping partner which licked his face was not the superstar he had been dreaming about but a strange CAT!

And that sparked off a jealous scrap between the intruder and Alan's own male pussy Orlando.

"It was about 7am and I was having this wonderful dream that Kylie Minogue was nuzzling my right ear," said Alan, 56, of London Road North, Poynton.

"But when I opened my eyes I found this overweight moggie lying beside me licking my face.

"It was like that scene from The Godfather where the film studio boss finds a horse's head in the bed next to him.

"I leapt naked from the duvet and let out a girlish scream. The cat then became equally frightened. It can't have been a pretty sight."

Alan chased the cat around his bedroom before Orlando, a handsome Birman, stirred from his own sleep and went to investigate.

"When they saw each other they spat and charged with their claws out," said Alan.

"I kept them apart, but in my state of undress I was in an alarmingly vulnerable position."

Eventually he grabbed a dressing gown and escorted the cat burglar out of the house.

"But it keeps coming back through the cat-flap and making itself at home," groaned Alan. "I'm waiting to come home and find it stretched out on my settee smoking a cigar.

"This black and white cat is the feline equivalent of a Sumo wrestler. It treats Orlando with such contempt.

"The newcomer has been visiting a lot of neighbouring houses in the past week looking for shelter and food and we can't decide whether it's a heavily pregnant female or a plump eunuch.

"I have to admit it's the first time I have been woken up in the morning by someone with whiskers and I have been in some states in my time."

If anyone has lost a fat cat answering the description they can contact Alan on 01625 872746.