FOLLOWING Formula One star Lewis Hamilton’s defection to Switzerland to avoid autograph hunters (and tax) the Express plans to secrete me away presumably to protect my artistic integrity from the hordes of readers clamouring for my attention (or blood).

I quite fancy Monaco but my editor says it provides far too easy access to the outside world (and him). He was hinting at a wild, hat-dancing, back of nowhere location so I anticipated somewhere in Brazil or Mexico.

He’s just given me directions to Flash. I can almost hear the duelling banjos.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ON THIS PAGE ARE VIC BARLOW’S AND NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE EXPRESS