LET ME issue a word of warning: Unless you are stone deaf and carry a mobile phone as a fashion accessory DO NOT subscribe to the 3 Mobile network.

I know some have cell phones in case of emergencies well, if it's on the 3 network, dump it and carry a drum. At least you'll be heard.

I was persuaded to switch to 3 Mobile last Christmas by an enthusiastic salesman who, by now, is probably swinging from a leylandii in Lower Peover. "On this tariff you can call anyone anywhere for free," he told me failing to add that I'd be cut off immediately I uttered any word containing a vowel. Canalside Radio had better coverage than my phone.

I suffered in silence until last week when my handset - supplied by 3 Mobile - finally gave up on me completely and I took it back to the store expecting to have it replaced.

"Sorry, sir, you have to contact 3 Mobile and they'll collect it."

After a long, long wait a voice at 3 Mobile told me my call was important but apparently not important enough to actually answer. Several frustrating attempts later I spoke to a very nice young lady... in Bombay and guess what? She'd never heard of Lower Peover.

After explaining my predicament (nice word 'predicament') I was asked to give my mobile number, date of birth, mother's maiden name, place I was born and postcode. I was then told I was speaking to the wrong department.

I couldn't help wondering if 3 Mobile had specific departments to deal with individual mothers' maiden names.

After another long and exasperating wait I was connected to someone who asked me the exact same questions all over again (I was very cagey about my mother's name). Finally I was told a same-day courier would collect my phone, repair it and return it within 72 hours. Very efficient.

Three days later I was still waiting for the same-day courier to arrive. I decided to terminate my 3 Mobile contract and move to another network that didn't care who my mother was. Bombay went ballistic.

"Why do you want to terminate your contract?"

"Because I..."

"Why do you want to terminate your contract?"

"I'm fed up of..."

"Why?"

"I..."

"Why? Why? Why?"

"I don't like the service." There was a sharp intake of breath as if I'd just spat in church... then I was cut off. I had to start the whole process all over again.

Negotiating with 3 Mobile is like trying to get through a set of swing doors on skis and it took me several days to finally break free from their grasp. Had it not been for Nick Hall at Phones 4u, I doubt I'd have made it. He kept me sane and nursed me through the whole sorry episode.

I'm convalescing now and expect to be out and about soon.

Take my word for it 3 is not company.

  • THE views expressed on this page are those of Vic Barlow and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Express.