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The annual dilemma - what to buy the missus for Christmas

Is there anything more likely to get a man into trouble than his choice of Christmas card and present for the lady in his life?

Is there anything more likely to get a man into trouble than his choice of Christmas card and present for the lady in his life?

There is absolutely no way to select the right card. It’s like that infamous question ladies ask just before a big night out: ‘Do you like me in this dress’.

Answer yes and you’re accused of ‘just saying that to be nice’, say no and your night (if not your life) is over.

If it’s too lovey-dovey she’ll know you’re after brownie points and accuse you of being ‘up to something’. Humorous and you ‘think everything is a joke’. Give her one of those extra-large cards in a box and you’re ‘going over the top’. Buy a blank one and you’re a cheapskate. Now to the present, where to begin? Do not, I repeat do not, buy lingerie; therein lies a minefield. Give her sexy underwear and you are open to a multitude of accusations likely to end in tears (yours).

Only an imbecile would buy slippers as a gift. Even women who wear slippers don’t want them as a present. Perfume is good but make sure it’s one your lady actually likes and do not confuse it with eau de toilette or you this will be the quietest Christmas you ever had.

Don’t, in your wildest dreams, buy her anything to do with the removal of body hair. It’s not appreciated. Trust me I know. Take a look at the photo, left. That was Mrs B last Christmas when I bought her a lady shave.

A new mobile phone would go down well and could lead to romance (unless she starts texting her mother in bed). Household appliances are a no-no.

She’d love an expensive holiday or a new car but don’t count on a big pay off. You may get lucky but there is no guarantee (investments can go down as well as up).

Personally, I always give vouchers. Mrs B loves gardening so I’m really paying her instead of a gardener. Clever, hey? Not sure how it will work out this year as she is into Zumba (which isn’t going to get the weeding done).

A Michael Buble album used to be a welcome gift but now everyone downloads everything you may have to buy an iPod, which will set you back £300 which is a bit steep if all you get in return is after shave. No, forget the music take her to a dinner dance where she can wear her finery.

Whatever you decide to give her wrap it up yourself (they know when you cheat) and write something personal on her card. Do not scribble ‘best wishes’ or any of those meaningless stock phrases.

Finally read what’s printed on the card don’t do as my dad did when he sent a Christmas card to my mother saying ‘To Grandma’ just because it had a nice picture on the front.

Good luck (if it all goes wrong blame Michael).

 
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