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SIR Nick Winterton seems to have the winning formula.
After dinner talks can be a minefield
Vic Barlow11/10/2006
IT'S that time of year when various organisations plan their after dinner entertainment. Normally they invite celebrities, sports stars or genuinely witty speakers. If all else fails... they ask me.
It used to be an easy gig: nice dinner, couple of drinks and a bit of light-hearted banter, but no more. Today, after-dinner speaking can be very stressful. Stories touching on religion are taboo as is any reference to Scots, Irish, Welsh or women.
No speaker in their right mind would discuss football for fear of alienating half the audience and politics is even worse. Jokes about mothers-in-law are old hat and I never do blue stuff. Graveyard humour is not for dinner guests and doctor jokes are too risky.
I have some good farmyard stories but now, if they involve animals, no-one laughs. If you mention old people you're an 'ageist' and if you talk about yourself you're an egotist.
I used to start my after dinner routine with a fire alarm spoof but was warned it may start a panic. So now, I have no idea what to talk about.
I have this recurring nightmare where I look out at a sea of unsmiling faces and begin: "Aren't women odd..."
A voice from behind yells, "Sexist."
I start again, "When I was in Ireland..."
"Racist!"
Another try, "I met this old age pensioner in the post office..."
"Ageist."
"Eric Clapton was doing this gig."
"Guitarist!"
I die on my feet and just when I think it can't get any worse Sir Nick stands up, talks total cobblers for an hour and everyone laughs like a drain.
So here's what I intend to do this party season. I'm going to wear a navy blazer, adopt a public school accent, blather on about Westminster and keep my hands firmly in my pocket.
Seems like it's a winning formula.
- THE views expressed on this page are those of Vic Barlow and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Express.
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18/10/2006 at 18:44
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27/10/2006 at 00:56