HOW much do you pay to have your hair cut? Anything more than £10 and my hairdresser will come round and mow your lawn.

You’d be lucky to get a coffee for a tenner in a ladies salon. Well, you might get a free cappuccino, but wait until you get the bill from your stylist. A budget airline will take you to Prague for less.

Mrs B is pretty good with money, but when it comes to the body beautiful she seems to lose her faculties. Don’t let on, but I just counted up all the years-younger promises made on her potions and lotions. If they are only half true, she’ll be back in school by September.

To justify their outrageous prices, cosmetic brands try to baffle with science. What the hell is a magnetised hematite cream? I know what it costs, but I’m damned if I know what it does. What about P2 Fifty? Sounds like an Inland Revenue form or an American spy plane. Who in their right mind would buy those TV beauty products that change your voice to that of another woman?

"Because you’re worth it", is a shortened version of: "We’re charging you ridiculous prices…because you’re worth it".

Women can be so gullible. Okay ladies, before you start banging off angry e-mails, consider Botox, currently the number one non-surgical facial treatment. I’ve seen more trout-mouths than Rick Stein since Botox came along.

You don’t see men spending money on useless creams and potions. Well, not during a beer festival.

The views on this page are Vic Barlow's and not necessarily those of the Express